Feeling pretty crappy today. I got light headed and lost my balance and almost feel this morning. I don't think I slept very well, because I fell asleep sitting on the couch. I don't want to be at work today, but I'm probably taking vacation time tomorrow to work on installing my new hard drive and video card. That's one of the reason's I don't want to be at work today. I'd rather do that than sit here bored. Hopefully Dave (my manager) will have something for me to do for him today. I have to update the UK travel guide with a couple of maps of the area; shouldn't be that hard except the document will have to be converted to Word format or html.

I should have plenty of time this weekend to do stuff as Wendy is going to visit her grandmother Saturday, so that'll give me some time to myself.

No one has called about my Bowflex yet which I posted for $600. I want to get rid of it and either get a set of free weights or one of those Total Gym things that uses your own body weight as resistance. I figure that'll be better than those power rods one the Bowflex which aren't at a contant resistance and they snap back one me from time to time when I'm weaker than usual. I just might have to go with posting it one Ebay, I was hoping to avoid that hassle. I'll have to set up a seller account, then get p'ictures of the Bowflex taken and scanned in. I could try the local paper.

Off to go do something...

Personal rant time. I got up early this morning to finish downloading mp3s via WinMx. I knew it was going on, but had never been burnt by it, people putting fake files out there. Basically renamed files. Grrrr! Now I have to re-download 2 files. So now we have, in addition to leeches (those who don't share themselves) and Destabs for lack of a better term (fakers, sabatours [sp]). I'll admit I've done my fair share of leeching, but I do share, and have been with WinMx since I got the settings correct to work with my Firewall. I know some people call it steeling, but one cannot return a shitty product (CD) if they don't like it to most stores. So it's try before you buy or buyer beware.

Felt like crap early this morning. I was real stiff. Seem to be better now. I guess with the new hr system at work there might be some salary adjustments. If I get an increase great, if not oh well. I'll be disappointed, but with the way things are here, I'd be happy to just keep my job.

I think when my new hardware arrives I'll for the hard drive first. Hopefully the Windows Xp product activation won't mess it up. Since I plan on replacing both drives with the one. I'll have to think about how to go about doing it. I'll probably have to mess with the boot.ini file. I'm pretty positive that with Partritiion Magic I can just copy the partitions over to the new drive. I may have to do a little prep work with the cdrw and dvd drives, as a lot of things don't work if you change the drive letters, though Partition MAgic has a tool that fixes that in the registry. I'm just worried that with all the drive swapping I'll have to do WinXp will think it's running on a different machine. It'll probably be an all day task.

I've been thinking lately, uh oh a dangerous habit I know. Am I being fair to Wendy? She is abviously ready to marry, but I'm not. Am I being fair keeping her hanging? Then again she hasn't left me. I don't know if I'll ever be ready. A lot of it has to do with the way I thought my life would be. In other words no MS. I keep telling myself it's for her own good; so that she can bail out of the relationship should things with my MS get too rough for her. Maybe it's for my own good. I don't like seeing her upset when my MS attacks and/or gets me down. Seeing how it hurts other people I'm close to hurts me.

Feeling like crap. Down in the dumps, especially after writing the previous entry. Plus more tired than usual, probably due to coming off the prednisone. Took my last 10 mgs this morning. Thought about joining Classmates.com, so I can send a message to Julie, but why should I waste the money, or potentially waste it. I don't know what I would write/say, and afraid of the response (if she were to respond). Plus she's married now and probably happy.
Hope is denying the existance of reality.

I gave in and ordered the new video card, as well as a new hard drive and a window kit to mod my case. I'll need my father's help cutting the hole and installing it. Should be cool to see what difference the new video card makes, especially in Unreal Tournament 2k3. It runs good now one my machine so I was hesitant to purchase the new video card, but then what the hell; why not.

I'm at work bored as usual, no work my way yet. I installed Rollercoaster Tycoon on the laptop here and it works. I did the first level, but just can't seem to get into it again. I think most of the fun I had with it, was playing it with Wendy. It was one of the few games we could play together. She doesn't like most of the games I play, which makes it hard as we have only one computer. I just might have to rebuild the old P2 450 machine. The problem is of course where to put it.

Got a new joystick for my b-day this weekend, works good too. When I finish RTCW I can get back to GTA3. Hopefully with the new video card it'll run better. I need to remember to run it in compatibility mode, that supposably makes it run better under XP.

The weekend was fun, but I can't help but get down in the dumps when I go anywhere (like a mall or shopping). I see all these beautiful young ladies, some too young, that I am attracted to. and I wonder where were they when I was in high school or college. Or was I just too blind to see/notice. A lot of it has to do with they dress more attractively now as compared to then. Maybe I was just born to early in time or too late. I do feel out of place/time a lot. Then again with being diagnosed with MS at such a young age, I think my youth was wasted. That if I knew this was going to happen I would have done things differently. I was doing so well not thinking of Julie until this weekend, I think Wendy brought her up. She was my "the one that got away", or I let slip through my fingers. I guess I'll never know what she thought, or if she knew how I felt about her. I never said so... I was too chicken and always thought I would have time to do so. I spent my high school and college years always thinking I would have time for women later in life, and concentrated on school. Now my time seems to be little and gobbled up by my MS.

Today I feel like a 27 yr old trapped in an old man's body with the mind of a teenager. TO thjink next year will be my 10 year reunion from graduating from Harpursville. Will I go if we have one? I don't know, I do and I don't.